Many things have happened and changed since the last time I was here, the most prominent one being the start of university life and the other things that followed in its duration.
For one, I am in cheerleading, and the cheer competition (also known as Hall Olympiad) is coming soon, just in about a couple of weeks. The shock of Hall 10 winning champion last year woke everyone up, and every hall has stepped up their game in the hopes of snatching the title this year. Needless to say, Hall 10 (my hall) wants to defend our title, but if I am honest, I don't feel that we want it bad enough. "How bad do you want it?" - my boyfriend would always say.
Perhaps because we were lucky enough to have roll mats this year that we didn't have to combine mats with other halls to run our routine, we are constantly in our own little bubble, oblivious to how hardworking, eager and good the other teams are. I'm sure Coach knows about some, but he is not bringing it up often enough, probably so that we won't be demoralized and affected by these other teams. But on the other hand, not knowing about these other teams can make us overconfident and therefore complacent, and I'm already starting to see these signs. Sometimes I just wish someone can just come over and shake all of us up so we will stop wasting so much time already. We are not as good as we think.
Talking to my boyfriend about this has led us to the topic of regrets, and despite all that he has gone through, he says he only has one simple regret - which is not joining any CCA in his poly days. He asks me if I have a lot of regrets, and I think, "do I?"
I am not too sure myself, whether to classify certain things as regrets. Would I be willing to go through some things again if life were to repeat itself? Would it have been too painful for me to handle it twice? Did these things not teach me anything at all? Did I learn something from these experiences, regardless of how heartbreaking they were? Why did my boyfriend not deem some of the agonizing parts in his life as regrets? What was his take, his view on these things? How exactly did he look at it?
In the midst of chaos and intensity of trainings, school work, and getting used to my boyfriend being on exchange, I have not been reflecting on things as much as I would have liked to. I have been constantly stuck in occurrences of jealousy, complication and insecurity these past few weeks, and I don't like it very much. In fact, I don't like it at all. As my father has always taught me, it is important to learn how to be content. Only when you are content are you happy. I have always agreed to this and have sometimes made it my mantra, but in the last couple of weeks, I have foolishly let this thought slip through my mind, letting happiness slip through my fingers.
At the start of this blog entry, I came with many wild thoughts and questions in my mind, and at the end of it, I have not found the answers to all my questions. But it is okay. I never had any intention of doing so, for we all know that these answers do not come as simply as writing a blog post. But I have to say, I do feel better now. Less of a tangled mess in my brain, less of an unsettling feeling in my heart.
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This song was on repeat throughout my entire writing process. Something to teach us about the idea of being content.
